ANOTHER-BLENDED NOT SHAKEN

STILL true today as it was when my column first appeared in the Denver Post 1997 and when I published the 1st edition in 2002 - half of the recorded marriages in North America are actually 're'marriages...

Blended Families are like a giant self-stitching quilt with many emotional patterns and colored histories from former relationships - as divorced parents remarry, merging them, their children, grandparents and so  much more. That's still the 'good news'.

The not-so-good news is these 'next' marriages end in an appalling divorce rate that averages 64%. [Third marriages are off the charts at a failure rate of 72%]. Ironically second marriages need not suffer this devastating breakdown if as a culture we understood and addressed what is required of these uniquely stressful - but opportune relationships.

PEEK @...Introduction

This book is not the result of a formal clinical study, nor an accumulation of case histories gathered by a practicing professional therapist.

This 2^nd edition [like the 1st] is entirely the result of a twenty-six year slice-of-our-life served with garnishes from the lives of other blended-families. 

It’s how we came together with a firsthand candid look at the lessons we learned with what worked - and often - what did not.

Any helpful published information readily available to stepfamilies up to the last few years of the 20^thCentury was sparse, fractured and so poorly marketed it was almost invisible. As invisible as the issue of divorce and remarriage – so common we took it for granted.And so common not even the people living with the added strain caused by remarriage with children, recognized that their plight should have been considered a cultural crisis.

Each new remarried couple struggled in silent isolation convinced they were alone with their specific problems - sure their questions, their confusion, their fear and frustrations were unique - only to them.

The vulnerability of each [step]blended-family became [an unconscious] conspiracy of silence – borne from the original shame a failed marriage once carried and for many, still does.

Divorce among original marriages remains steady at 41 to 44% [depending on region] but other social changes have escalated. In 1976 - 61% of original families had one parent at home with their offspring. By 2009 a parent at home full time was an endangered species that existed in only 27% of original households. 

With university student loans forcing both parents to work and second [& third] marriages crumbling often within months of the spoken vows, family-structure teeters.So as the first day of the New Year dawned on millions of blended-families facing 2016 the harvest of seven decades of a family-unit-shift, looked daunting.

In 1990 my husband and I were basically green – learning as we went. Not green as parents, but literally learning what it took to be effective stepparents as we went. But certainly not experienced enough to field calls from our kid’s teachers about what we were doing, or other remarried parents seeking advice from us.

At the time, still actively writing columns and features for magazines and newspapers my journalistic curiosity vis-à-vis my new parenting role kicked in. I went hunting.. 

I was sure there had to be several how-to books and published essays in journals by experts offering at least a glimpse of issues faced by remarrying parents. What my research produced by 1993 was almost zip, zilch, nada. There was a chapter here and there in university doctorial studies or a mention in obscure chapters as part of a larger published social study – but generally not much specifically targeted to and for the blended-family.Then too certainly nothing from any first person perspective – which made finding anything presented with practicality or humor ranking right up there with mermaid sightings.

However, what my research uncovered represented the tip of a cosmic pyramid almost completely covered by the cultural sands of lethargy. Identifying a hidden and unidentified puzzle spurred me to share our experiences in my Denver Post weekly column later assembled and published in my 1st edition. 
 

All of the hurdles and resulting solutions presented are from firsthand experiences. The recommendations offered may have merit for your blended-family – or not. They aren’t intended as the answer or solution for your issues – but as a place from which you might start.

These ideas may need to be modified to fit your circumstances as each and every blended-family – like each and every snowflake – is unique.

In my Denver Post column and with both editions of this book I deliberately avoid using the term ‘step’ [anything] whenever possible. Blending is our ultimate goal and I see that term as proactive and positive. Step still implies separation.

…ohhh, and what was it we had done? Meals! We ate meals together – evening meals during the week and at least breakfast on the weekends. We often prepared them together and when we ate those meals we shared our opinions, we shared our plans and we shared our day…

PART I

THE OPPORTUNITY

Too many of us grew up with no idea of what a strong marriage, or any balanced relationship really was. So, we settled. We had only the foggiest idea of what we were doing, so we got foggy marriages. However – it is possible to find a solid team-mate!

While tackling some typical pre-marriage misconceptions made by the majority of divorced parents, please keep in mind I’m not able to write this because I managed to do ohhh so many things correctly – I’m able to write this from having done ohhh so many things that required correction.

THE REALITY FABLE…

Once upon a time – they all live happily ever after…

And this believe it or not pretty well sums up our collective grasp on the reality of second marriages with children – otherwise known as the Blended-Family. Because, even now, we still expect to “live happily ever after” across the street from The Brady Bunch.

With this mindset we inadvertently set ourselves up for unrealistic expectations based upon the same parameters of the typical first marriage.

When I walked down the aisle in 1972 there was just the usual Damsel in Distress, with Prince Charming. There were no children, no old girlfriends demanding financial restitution, or former boyfriends seeking regular visitation time with our pets.

Original marriages begin relatively unencumbered in that each partner arrives without a great deal of [court ordered] baggage. There may be a wee hint of an old flame or two - perhaps a sibling we still believed was dad’s favorite, or the memory of a former teacher who announced in front of the entire fourth grade that you’d never learn to add without using all of your fingers and toes…

Then again, perhaps Charming’s mother cooks everything from scratch [complete with fruit trees and herb garden] but Damsel has problems with the glued tab on a box of dry cereal. Or – Damsel’s father could repair anything developed by NASA, but for Charming the mechanics of a can opener remain a mystery...

No matter. On our first matrimonial sojourn the faces of old flames fade. We set aside any perceptions of parental favoritism, because we now have one person to focus on us exclusively. [Memories of that fourth grade teacher many not be so easy.] Anyway that aside, except for a possible in-law factor only two people are in serious contention when first we roll the dice.

Basically it’s a one to one relationship. One marriage, one house, one set of children, one group of grandparents, one collection of memories with one congregation of friends… You get the picture. Everything we do the first time is for the first time, with one purpose – to ultimately grow old together as our preconditioning dictates.

When that momentum forward is derailed by a divorce everyone is thrown onto unfamiliar ground.

A divorce is not an unemotional event because the original wedding was not an unemotional event. If a marriage was more like a business merger then all original motives would be clearly spelled out on paper, signed in ink – instead of verbal promises, sealed with a kiss.

Divorce, with children changes everything [almost] forever.

“Until death us do part.” is between parents and offspring and that pivotal factor continues to link us to a previous spouse, former in laws and other family members. Why? Because - our children didn’t divorce anyone…

When I ventured down the aisle again in 1990 there was a substantial cast of extras. Besides Hero and Damsel the line-up included: his three children [one who later joined us on our delayed honeymoon] and my two children. There was his ex-wife who still expected child support, my ex-husband who still expected child visitation, as well as the usual feature lineup of new grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends stirred in with the original set of grandparents, relatives and old friends. Not even the cast of BEN-HUR had that kind of duplication!

Literally speaking only three of our [blended] five offspring were present at the actual ceremony and certainly neither of the ex-spouses attended. However, everyone ‘was and still’ is very much a part of our lives and that, is the central detour between the private calm of our first matrimonial union and the near convention like setting of round two [or three].

The reality of our second time at bat is not dealing with duplicate appliances or garden equipment – it is the multiple surnames and addresses, an abundance of grandparents, numerous parents, an array of children with a profusion of additional relatives and friends. It is fielding holidays you may or may not share together, because his children are present while hers are with their father.

Remarriage is rescheduled vacations re-juggled, rearranged, or cancelled completely because one ex-spouse is late returning with one set of children while another ex-spouse won’t allow the children to leave when it’s convenient for you – because it really isn’t convenient for them… And these hurdles are truly quite minor.

………

     When Barbara married Adam each of them had sole custody of the biological children from their first marriage. Barbara had two boys eight and ten years-old. Adam, whose first wife was a recovering alcoholic, also had a son, who was nine.

     Barbara and Adam were both in their late thirties, professionally well respected and emotionally present for their children. When they met they had a vision of forming a new family that would begin to heal long smoldering, sensitive wounds.

     They expected that Adam’s withdrawn son would begin to emerge from his closed emotional shell with two brothers close to his age and a mother figure who was not only sober, but involved.

     They hoped Barbara’s older son would become less hostile, exposed to the patient, more stable example Adam could bring to the new home.

     Barbara’s boys almost missed the wedding ceremony because their dad claimed he had marked the wrong date on his calendar.  

     Settling in Adam and Barbara tried to arrange for all three boys to visit their respective biological parents on the same weekend, twice each month, so they could look forward to some private time. However…

     About two months into Adam and Barbara’s new marriage Barbara’s ex-husband suddenly married a girlfriend, ten years his junior. After he returned from his honeymoon [and for three years thereafter] he functioned in a pattern of missed child support payments, usually arrived late to pick up the boys, often cancelled at the last minute, or didn’t show up at all – maintaining business excuses.

     Also, a few months into Adam and Barbara’s new marriage, Adam’s ex-wife was discharged from rehabilitation then petitioned the court to get sole custody of their son. She was granted joint custody, but soon started drinking. Adam had to return to court torequest full custody again, but this time also seeking supervised visitation to protect his son.

Remember The Brady Bunch?

Well – they had [besides a live in house keeper] a script to follow, while the rest of us are pretty well working without a net…


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